he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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