My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
