What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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