note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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