I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
