these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
