chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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