...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
