I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
