New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
