I'm going to jail i love you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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