When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
me + whiskey = a bad person
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
