Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I didn't notice because vodka
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
