please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
