I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
