If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
