i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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