Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
