someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
