I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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