I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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