Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
