There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
