I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
