so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
