He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
