Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
