Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
