Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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