he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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