I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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