I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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