you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
