Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
