just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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