Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
