she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
