Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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