I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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