Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
