Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
