i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Houston, we have a squirter
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
