He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
