Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
