i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
