And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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