I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
