im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
