Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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