You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
